i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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