we have pet lesbian snakes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
