I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
