margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
