Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is Oprah even human
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