I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
