You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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