I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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