The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
