also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
