My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
