Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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