the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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