He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
