Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
