she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
