Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
