What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
