I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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