What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
