Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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