Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
