it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
