my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
