I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i've created a new STD.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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