i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
