Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
