I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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