Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Vodka?
Forever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize