hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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