Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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