sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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