Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What a dumb baby whore.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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