After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
