i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
