Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
