you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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