I cockslap morals
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
