Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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