I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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