he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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