Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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