I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
