mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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