Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
