The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
