that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
did i just pee glitter
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
