I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
PANTIES FOUND
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