I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
