You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
