Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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