Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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