I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
