he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
