So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
