Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
