so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
